Vacation - Arab style

It's 45 degrees. Sun is scorching. Shades get fogged up the moment you step outside. Peeps with long hair transform into Diana Ross.
'Tis the season for traveling.

For most people, traveling is the time for adventure at the destination: a relaxation time at the beach sipping cocktails from a coconut, or a cultural tour around a historic city, or an adrenaline rushed adventure with mountain climbing, cable rides, and a leap off a plane. Arabs have an even BIGGER adventure.


You see Arabs' adventure start even before they reach their destination, waaaay before. It all starts with the packing, where traveling light is a foreign concept that the west has introduced, and you all know that western people only wear shorts, jeans and flip flops on holiday, what do they know! Us Arabs, we need stuff with us, we like our stuff, we use our stuff, and just because we are away from our homes, this does not mean we need to be separated. Hell to the NO. We want to have all our make up, hair products, toiletries, shoes for shopping, shoes for a nice dinner, shoes for this outfit, shoes with these pants, scarves, short jackets, long jackets, earrings, necklaces, bangles, toe rings to go with our pedicures, bags for every outfit we have, and PLEASE don't even dare suggest a black bag for everything. Don't go there. Don't.

And that's just our clothing.

Then comes the gifts. You see Arabs are social people, we don't travel alone, and we like to go to destinations where we know people there, so gifts are a must. Small souvenirs don't work, it's got to be a size that makes you sit your Arabian ass on your suitcase to get it closed. In the end it'll fit in the luggage. An Arabian behind is amazingly effective at closing the most stubborn of bags. Don't be a hater.

But wait...there's more.

What if we get hungry? Are we going to eat everyday at a restaurant? Who knows what's in the food there! What if it's not halal? What if they don't wash the pan after cooking with lard? Plus it's too expensive to feed 15 people 3 meals a day. Don't you know that we have 5 kids, aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, and nannies with us? We need our food, our pots and pans, oil, fresh juice, a bag of rice - coz there is never OUR brand of generic basmati rice in the destination we are going to.

So we are all packed and ready to go. Now let's load the car..no wait, let me rephrase: let's load the mini van, the escalade, the pickup truck, and the 20 ft container.

We reach the airport. And you wouldn't even believe how horrible the staff at the airport check in desk are. Can you imagine, they didn't allow all our bags through and they wanted to charge us an arm and a leg for the extra weight! But we have a plan. Spotted! a lone Arab traveler going on a business trip - commence the begging. Habibi please, we have these bags, can you please take some of them with your bags, it would mean the world to us. Where are you from? Yeah my friend lives there too, oh he's such a nice man, I'll tell him to take care of you if you ever need to see an engineer. May Allah bless you and you have a safe trip, if you need anything at all, know that you have a brother once we reach the destination.

Now the series of questions at the check in desk & declaration card:

• Did you pack your own bags? Fiction: Yes. Truth: maid packed it.
• Are you carrying any food? Fiction: No. Truth: enough to feed a small country.
• Total cost of gifts you are carrying maximum allowable is 250 USD. Fiction: $200. Truth: $1500.
• Are you carrying cigarettes or Alcohol? Fiction: No. Truth: But they don't have Malboro in Canada, so I got my buddy 100 packs.

Finally, touch down and we are heading to the hotel. In the taxi, the war plan is laid out:

• Only 2 people go to the check in desk. I do all the talking, you all say nothing.
• The kids, as soon as we arrive, you spread out, go to the bathroom, walk around far and wide, stay quiet, and NO ONE comes near the check in desk.
• When they ask how many people are in the room, you say 3, not 8.
• We will rotate sleeping on the beds, the extra bed, and the floor. Your mother and I will sleep on the bed always, so basically, you kids will rotate on the rolling bed and the floor. Don't whine, it'll be like camping.
• Complimentary toiletries means they are free, so we must restock the bathroom every hour.
• Only one person answers the phone, if you kids answer, they'll know we are too many people in the room.
• If housekeeping comes, you all hide in the bathroom.
• No one orders room service.
• And finally, no one takes anything.. ANYTHING from the minibar.

Despite this, vacations are great for us Arabs. We see new places, shop till we drop at stores that are available in the Middle East, have Arabic cuisine, and flock to the shisha place. We all have fun and a superb time while on vacation...except if we take something from the minibar.