Big Fat Arab Wedding

I last blogged in October, 3 months ago, or a million years in Internet time. I've had writer's block, been busy, moved houses, lived a little, but most of all, missed you.

During those 3 months, I've been to several important Arab events - in other words, weddings.
This utterly important day in the life of an Arab has evolved over the years. Traditionally, people married young, where the man's main desired qualities were his manners, character and his upholding of religious values. The woman's desired qualities were her family descent, her looks, her wealth, and her upholding of religious values. As such, it was not always the case that the man had a paying job, so it was quite common that the wedding was paid for by the groom's family. It was a huge affair involving family, friends, and friends of friends. Telling the world that there is a couple who now belong to each other and they invite you to join together in the aura of their happiness.

Nowadays, the desired qualities in a man are:

1. Has a good paying job, so he can support the spouse and future kids in a comfortable fashion that the bride has or has never gotten accustom to
2. Is kind, funny, sensitive, romantic, generous, a mind reader
3. Good looking, with a full head of hair, and preferably a six pack (abdominal 6 pack, not the beer)
4. Can open jars
5. Kills spiders

The desired qualities of a woman are:

1. Beautiful face and body
2. Beautiful face and body
3. Beautiful face and body
4. Below 30
5. Not a prune

Am I grossly exaggerating? Could be, but we all know couples like that.

Nowadays, a wedding is an opportunity to showcase how "unique" a couple bride is. In reality, there is no theme that hasn't been done somewhere, no color that hasn't been used.

1. The elevated dance floor with lights from below. CHECK
2. The high centerpieces. CHECK
3. The sparkly kosha (bride-groom sitting area). CHECK
4. City lights that transform the hall to pink & blue. CHECK
5. Food lined up to the high heavens. CHECK
6. And your "unique idea of a centerpiece with fish swimming in the vase...It's been done...really. 

The man's wedding routine:

1. Go to a mall and buy a tux/suit, there will be a visit of maximum two stores to check variety
2. Buy shoes
3. Shave & trim hair
4. Get a facial if he's feeling fancy

The woman's wedding routine:

1. Plan the whole wedding
2. Fly to Lebanon to buy clothes, wedding dress, and anything else in spite of the UAE having more stores
3. Get a collagen mask done
4. Body scrub or Morrocan bath
5. Mani & Pedi
6. Facial on a monthly basis till the wedding takes place
7. Buy eyelashes
8. Work out/Starve to look "good" in the wedding dress
9. Waxing the whole body
10. Hair color, cut and treatment
11. Furniture shopping
12. Fitting and re-fitting the wedding dress
13. Bitching to the wedding planner

Since the good old days, there's been a steady move of shifting the big fat Arab wedding bill to the groom instead of the his parents, though the latter is still common. As such, the number of people in the wedding has diminished since the days of the whole town joining in the fun.

One of the results of the smaller wedding, is the serious reduction in the number of mothers scouting the single ladies who could be a potential suit to their ever perfect sons. Though this excruciating test of politely responding to accusations that your boobs are fake and worse yet, to actually announce to a stranger your cup size, is unbearable, it serves a very important purpose in match making and getting a good reputation around. Sure, you have to endure your hair being pulled and boobs being pointed at in a public setting, but you get the opportunity to meet new people and possibly date.

Guys in weddings are fun. They dance and joke together, stare at the pretty girls, but rarely ever do they talk to them. Rest assured that their mothers' there to do that for them....eh, wait a minute, is that why the moms ask for your cup size?!!!

Weddings are also important reminders to single ladies, that we would be happier with you if you get married, that your day will come, that we pray for you to find a suitor. As for the married ladies, it is a reminder that we would be happier with you if you had a child, that the day will come that you have a son, that we pray for you to pop a doctor. As for the married woman with kids, that we would be happier with you if your kids graduate, that their day will come....